I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
