I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
