The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
