Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
