You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
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We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
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I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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