I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
