I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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