Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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