we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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