I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
