just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
