I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Everclear isn't food dammit
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
