there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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