I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
