My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
