He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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