Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
