Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
