the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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