My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
