the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
