The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
