i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
