Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
