why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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