Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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