You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
