You really coming over, don't trick.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
