I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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