threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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