I didn't shave. On purpose
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
