I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize