Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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