He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
