wrigley field is MILF paradise
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
