I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
