If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
