next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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