Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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