One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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