I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You need Xanax blowdarts
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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