If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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