Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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