I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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