Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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