here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
