I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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