i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
