after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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