so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
