guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
