He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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