My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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