I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
