Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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