if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
40s are totally the cure
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
