I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You can't motorboat a personality
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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