i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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