since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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